Darth Carlsberg - Probably the best Jedi in the world

Wunch of Bankers

2012-01-27T23:08:00.000Z

I felt the need to put cyber pen to cyber paper here as I've had just about all I can take of this RBS bashing shit. This non-story is all over the quiet news day media channels.

Yes! They fucked us all over.
Yes! They're still fucking us all over.
Yes! They've forgot to start lending money to small businesses.
Yes! Their share price has plummeted to a new low.
Yes! They hit us with ridiculous charges should we dare overdraw.
Yes! They're a fucking riot if you're ever in one of their Q's.
Yes! They have thee most patronising TV ads EVER!
Yes! They don't give a fuck.
Yes! We own the cunts.

However, Im gonna speak up for the voiceless, hated minority here.
Why do the Great British media / public keep feeling the need to be outraged at the financial operations of the banking sector?
Suddenly everycunt is an economist.
Banks operate and have always operated on a bonus system. It's how they do business and it's in all our interests that this bank does good business. Fuck me, it's our money that they are working towards increasing and if they need to pay the top brass bonuses to give them the drive and impetus to do so then so be it.
By constantly announcing negative consciousness surrounding how they operate in the global banking network is simply destroying any rebuilding work they undertake. Yer man Charlton Hester is only trying to do his job which, as far as i can tell, is to get this ailing giant back on a profitable even keel which benefits us all. Media interference suggesting otherwise simply de-rails that process.

Considering he is batting against such behemoths as HSBC
(who rewarded their director with 3 times the bonus) and Lloyds
(almost 5 times as much) to begrudge him his basic banking benefit
is bordering on fucking stupidity.

Yes they almost brought us all to our knees but surely by collectively bad mouthing our own investment then we are only damaging our own interests?

I'm not a banker, so I'm more than happy to entrust it to the hands of someone who knows what they're fucking doing and I'm pretty sure that's not the super soaraway Scottish Sun or any other easily offended daily brainless angry mob pleasing rag.

Fuck off the lot of you and let the boy have his tiny reward for an ongoing job well done which even now wouldn't buy him bragging rights in a Bond Street coffee shop.

Anyone wanna take me up on any of these points cos I'm right up for it!

Hollywood here I come!

2012-01-27T19:19:00.000Z

This time tomorrow I will be in Los Angeles.
If anyone's been there and wants to recommend somewhere cool to go please do so. The rest of you, read it and weep!

Prick of the year nomination list upon my return in a week.
Adios.

Bag for life

2012-01-20T11:05:00.002Z

All the moons are aligning.
No sooner does the blog return, it appears all the old favourites are queueing up for their long awaited homecoming appearances.

Look who was getting on my bus yesterday.
The one and only, mysteriously illusive Mr R Mutt.
Still sporting a now faded 'Darths old bag'.
For those of you that are unaware of the man, the myth heres a
wee update

Now, I posted the R Mutt saga almost 2 and a half years ago and I threw the now part of folklore bag away almost 2 years prior to that and he is still using it!!!
The man is truly a legend. Nae, an urban legend.
Anyone that takes a bag out of a bin and still has it over their shoulder nearly 5 years on can only be described in those terms.
Either that or tramp.
Maybe it's a cry for help?
I really want to introduce myself to him but am slightly frightened and quite perplexed as to how to approach him.
And what if he hates me?
What if I hate him?
What if we become mortal enemies?
What if we form an unbreakable friendship?
It's just too much to take in.

Secretly, I feel we are both aware of each other anyway and reciprocate a silent respect for one another so I may just give him a wee nod and a wink next time i see him.

Not sure how I feel about the bag anymore.

Padawan Academy proudly presents.....

2012-01-17T23:06:00.000Z

It's the start of a brand new year and that means it's awards season.
Which means it's also time for the award to smash all awards -
Darth Carlsbergs Prick of the year award 2012.
It only seems like a short time ago when we all voted for TVs own unlucky in love, totally incomprehensible, manufactured pop star and one time talent show judge and shampoo model Cheryl Cole as last years worthy winner and we've all witnessed how winning the coveted Golden Prick or piqûre d'or can literally be life changing.
Certainly Miss Coles career's changed dramatically since picking it up.

Anyway it's a new year and a new competition so we need some new contenders for this years shortlist and thinking back there has been some real stand out nominees from the last 12 months.
Get your own personal nominations in ASAF so finalists can be compiled and the winner announced and notified thereafter.

Here are a just some of 2011s biggest pricks to get your juices flowing:

Lady Gaga
Charlie Sheen
That fucking Tulissa bitch
Ryan Giggs / John Terry / Wayne Rooney
Pippa Middleton
David Cameron
Rupert Murdoch
Cheryl Cole
Gordon Strachan
Frankie Coccokehead
Anyone off of the only way is Essex
Rhianna
Colonel Gadaffi
Katie Price
Little mix

Clapped out

2012-01-17T11:11:00.000Z

I was at a football match recently, as you do, and they had the now customary minutes applause at the start for a past servant of the club who had recently passed away. To me it felt as awkward, stupid and downright wrong as it always does. Im not sure why this phenomenom has crept into our society as a replacement for the traditional miutes silence, where it came from or it's significance.

I believe it started on the continent and was adopted here not for it's nature or style, but because embarrassingly enough, football fans as a breed, are a horrendous bunch who can't keep their own drunken ideals to themselves even during a mark of respect to someone we've lost who actually graced their game. Things were getting so bad infact that minutes silences were even being cut to 30 seconds such was the fear of it backfiring dramatically and so the minutes applause was reborn.

More the pity if you ask me as nothing made your spine tingle more than a minutes silence in an unbearably tense packed stadium followed by a huge roar of relief, reflection and anticipation.
But as usual we have to maintain the Status Quo.

Well I think if this minute of lukewarm applause was born of necessity, then we should be open to the idea of other interpretations of respect.
I for one would fucking love to see a minutes 'Jazz hands' before a match. That would seriously do it for me.
Just imagine how cool that would look.

So, what I'm proposing is some suggestions to replace the minutes appplause.The more ridiculous the better.
A minutes laughter for example. That would be a riot.
The top ideas will receive a prize* and be put to the old firm die hards on their respective online fans forums by way of merriment making and we shall see how they react to a situation that quite frankly, I believe they have brought about.

Begin......

*prize may not exist

Maggie! Maggie! Maggie! - Off! Off! Off!

2012-01-16T15:28:00.000Z

So who has seen the much talked about 'Iron Lady' then?
If you want my advice, give it a serious bodyswerve.
It's nowhere near as good as 'Iron Man'.

Bigger, better, fatter, harder

2012-01-13T13:35:00.002Z

Well hello strangers.
Firstly, I should apologise for not posting anything in bloody ages!
If anyone actually cares, I have no excuse to give. I simply lost focus slightly and amazingly never seemed to have the time to update my random ramblings and rantings.
That and facebook it has to be said.
Its the real culprit here.
The real shame is that last year was literally thee best year ever for stuff to talk about. So many monumental things happened it got quite surreal at times.

Amongst all the headlines, 2011 was the year that:

Japan was practically washed away
Charlie Sheen lived up to his name
A bloke in Norway went fucking crazy
I got kicked off and let back on facebook
A naked guy went mental in my street
I could no longer get the News of the world
Wullie and Kathy got married - I was there
The Arab spring turned out not to be mineral water
The mouse returned to rule the roost in my house
(he's still here)
In the case of Michael Jacksons death - the black guy was guilty
Londoners got fed up and fucking wrecked the place
The bird that sexually killed the other bird in Italy got let off
Hurricane Bawbag was born
Wee Gamu was finally allowed to stay here - Thank god for that!

But I still think THIS was my favourite headline of the year.

A few folk passed away in 2011 too.
Too many to mention obviously but lets not forget we lost:

Jimll Saville
Hightower off of Police Academy 1-6 (not 7 strangely enough?)
Betty Ford - (natural causes apparently)
Jack 'assisted suicide' Kevorkian - Irony anyone?
Heavy D off of Heavy D and the boys
(apparently the boys were inconsolable)
Amy Winehouse - Hats off for not dragging it out any longer.
(Keith Richards take note)
And of course Big Al Megrahis mate Muammar Gadaffi

Anyway, new year new you and all that.
This year I intend to get totally focused again.
Im gonna start ranting on here and not on facebook.
Im gonna get rid of my unsightly beer belly.
Im gonna get married.
Im gonna move house.
Im gonna be the man.
Baby steps right enough.
Anyhow, happy new year y'all it's good to be back.
Lets do this again real soon.

Anyone else have any resolutions they wanna add?

Intermission

2012-01-06T13:05:00.001Z

We apologise for the prolonged break in transmission.
Normal service will resume shortly.
honest.

True love

2011-11-26T23:35:00.004Z

Following the hugely public disaster that was 'the male sex test',
public opinion has demanded a sex test for the ladies.
Knowing the fairer species as well as I do and knowing there drive to delude a desire for all things LOVETM,
I have devised a full proof test of that LOVETM.

Take the test below and see how you fair on the LOVEometer.TM
(Disclaimer - may not oficially prove LOVETM)

PS: I tried this on Mrs Carlsberg and the jury is still out.

TAKE THE TEST

Men only

2011-11-21T11:39:00.013Z

Scientific sexual case study and hypothesis:
Please watch the video and choose carefully.
(double click for full screen pleasure & no 16:9 issues)

Accurate answers posted below.

MOSTLY A's

MOSTLY B's

MOSTLY C's

BIT OF EVERYTHING

Lest we forget...

2011-10-21T13:17:00.006+01:00

October 20th in the year of our Lord 2011,
A day that should never forgotten.
After what seems like an eternity, a new day is dawning.
A new day that heralds a brave new future.
A future free from the pain and suffering inflicted en mass by a tyrannical , power mad, juggernaut of unstoppable force that trampled everything its way in order to be heard without any thought of the hardship and distress it caused it's own people as it went.
No longer will the populace have to endure this type of suffering again until of course the next man made monster comes along and slips straight into the gaping hole left by the demise of this evil faction and a whole similar torrid proceeding begins again.
Until such times, lets put the hurt caused during this reign firmly in the past and look forward through optimistic eyes that we never have to witness the like again for a very, very long time.

click here to pay your last respects

Welcome Dafydd Townley

2011-10-18T16:00:00.006+01:00

Well f##k me!
A new follower!
First one in AGES!!!
Dafydd, let me be the first (and probably the last)
person to welcome you aboard.
I think you may have jumped onto a sinking ship if Im honest fella.
There's not been much chat from the padawans on here in quite a while, though in saying that they are a very secretive bunch who always ride in single file to hide there numbers so you never know.
As with all other followers, I have added your online observations to our padawan publications for everyones pleasure.

Anyway, let me be the first to give you a big
"Croeso & Mae fy hofrenfad yn llawn llyswennod"

I think I'm saying that right.

Tennereach

2011-10-18T12:25:00.014+01:00

I must admit to thoroughly enjoying my wee break in Tenerife.
I've noted observations from my holibags before which you can see HERE
However, Im not one for banging on about something,
infact ask anyone that knows me and they'll say just that.
They'll say "DC's not one for banging on about something", however.....

1. Old people should stay away from those conveyor belt toasters.
They just have no concept of how to deal with them.

2. Germans have no fashion sense whatsoever.

3. Lookey lookey men should just fuck off!

4. People have absolutely no direction or purpose in the hotel restaurant on holiday. They simply wander aimlessly round the buffets like zombies.

And I think space tourism will make matters a million times worse?
Imagine all the old dears ACTUALLY floating around in your way when your trying to get your orange juice and your burnt toast.
Mark my words, it's a zero gravity nightmare waiting to happen.

Anyway, here's some holiday snaps from my trip.

-1. Tenerife in a nutshell
-2. A souvenir I wish I had bought
-3. Confusing sign #1
-4. Confusing sign #2
-5. Worst special offer ever
-6. Worst Freddie tribute act ever! (looked like AIDS freddie)
-7. Touch my bananas and I will fucking kill you!

All in all, we had a lovely time.

Holibags

2011-10-09T02:35:00.003+01:00

Fuck this weather!
That's me off.
Tenerife! First time ever.
Has anyone ever been there?
I'm assuming it's unchartered.
See y'all in a week anyway.
A week in which I will be all tanned to buggary, Scotland will have been hammered 3-0 and it will have rained constantly where you are,
Happy days x

Sunday game

2011-10-09T02:19:00.004+01:00

Fuck it!
It's my blog and if I want the game on a Sunday then get it up ye!

Game 1:
Find Wall E.

Game 2:
Name as many of our sci-fi friends as you can.
Ya geeky nae-bird dongs!

(I got them all)

Misrepresentation

2011-10-05T09:47:00.008+01:00

On the radio today I heard the fantastic Ross Harper solicitors catchy new swinging take on 'La Bamba' as their ad jingle, which makes me feel like any violent attack, act of sexual indecency, drug abuse, robbery, assault and battery, rape, cannibalism, infanticide or knife and gun crime I could commit,would now have a lot less serious edge to it.
And Im sure that goes for any criminal out there.

I've added pictures so you could see how cool it would look as a TV add.
Congratulations to the Ross Harper team for not only profiting from crime and criminality but also belittling the pain and suffering that stems from it.

Something blue

2011-09-28T13:44:00.003+01:00

I recently met an old friend of mine who I was surprised to find out was still harbouring a grudge against me or more specifically my actions.
Turns out about 10 years ago he got married and he is still upset at the fact that I drew a cock and balls in his wedding book.
Now before you decide to cast your judgement, hear me out.

This friend, who I have not seen in years, said he was still upset about it and his wife went BALLISTIC over it. I apologised for any hurt or upset caused as that was clearly never my intention but also tried to point out that it was just a bit of fun. He then hit back with "How would you feel if I drew a cock and balls in your wedding book?"
My response was "honestly, I think I'd take it in the spirit it was intended."
He then said that he is now ok with it as he knew why I had done this.
He went on to tell me that he understood that my partner at the time had a real dislike for him him and thus explained my actions.
At this point I felt compelled to defend myself.

I did not draw the boaby for any other reason than I was drunk.
The drawing of a boaby is a juvenile act that I still find funny even at my age and will no doubt continue to do as always when presented with the opportunity, whether that be in a hotel comments book, a suggestion box anywhere, on a voting slip, on a political street filled petition, when paying funds into the bank (where the signature is not important), when signing for an delivery or infact when drunk and handed a wedding book.

I do sincerely apologise if my actions detracted in anyway from the day, book or marriage as a whole as that was never my intention however to think that it was done through malicious eyes is nothing short of slanderous and as upsetting to me as the offending doodle seems to have been to the bride. It's not like I wrote that either the bride or groom was a dick. It's just a funny drawing of a boaby.
I think they're more annoyed that they couldn't just rip the page out as the Granny had written her message on the other side of the page. (Something or other about a fantastic boaby no doubt.)
Truth be told, I believe the person directly after me did try and turn it into a love heart but only made things worse.

Anyway, can I have your thoughts on this, the latest in a long line of scenarios I find myself in where I am apologising for actions that I don't feel merit an apology.
I think if you do something for a laugh then have to explain why you did it, it detracts from the initial humour an infact renders the whole thing NOT actually funny.

What do you think?
Are they oversensitive or am I insensitive?

Rogue traders

2011-09-22T00:00:00.013+01:00

Being the wholly responsible parent that I am, this morning I decided to treat Ozzy to the delights of an ASDA breakfast.
Now I have eaten some real shite in my time but nothing could have prepared me for the inedible gruel that was dished up to us today.
Never have I felt more like Bear Grylls in my life.
Infact even he'd have sent this back.

So incensed was I by the £5:80 worth of uneaten filth on my plate that I, in a move completely out of character, felt the need to voice my displeasure. How saddened and enraged I was then after speaking to 'Mary' at the inappropiately named "customer service" desk to find out that I had no course of retribution with my grudge and that there was nothing she could do for me.
Not even an apology or refund.
I mean for fuck sake, the sausage that they intended me to feed to my 2 year old son looked like it had been fucking poached!
In piss!
It was, as I told Mary, almost as if the cafe had been fully stocked with that shitey ASDA savers range of so called food that you get that she and I both know is not fit for human consumption.
Still, no rebuttal.

Anyway, I had the last laugh by scoffing a whole bar of Green and Blacks organic chocolate without paying for it as I did my shopping and also I slid some salmon fillets dead far under the breadsticks shelf so they would thaw and honk the place out to fuck.

Fuck you Mary ya useless bitch!
Maybes that'll teach you.
Do NOT fuck with DC!

Anyway, the whole sorry episode, which was just another case of the little man being brutally raped by the big man in the unaccountable society of shit service that we have all but accepted as our lot in life,
got me thinking.

At least once a day I feel positively gutted by the lack of ownership or pride of service administered to me by modern day Britains public sector. Actually, it's probably a lot more than once.
From the 'no magazine in my Sunday paper' to the far more sinister
'shit missing from my recently delivered take away order',
the whole place has taken a turn for the worse.
Well no fucking more.
Today I stand up for the little man!
Today I start my crusade against the disservice.
Today I begin our fight back!

If you have found yourself at the mercy of disassociated Britains lack of pride in a job done or are just generally appalled by the state of service you have received at the hands of any retailer / provider / trusted individual / family member then I wanna know.
Let's name and shame these for too long unaccountable charlatans through our forum of frustration in the hope that they take note of our cries for help.

Hell, I may even go down the route of the 'Prick of the year' winner and let the culprit know of their failing through their official channels.

So tell me, who has fucked you right off?
(Personally, I've got fucking hundreds of examples!)

found posters

2011-08-26T18:13:00.005+01:00

Self praise is no praise however, given the narcissisticly proclaimed moderate success of the 'missing posters project' -see here- and the inspiration I attained from a poster for a found wallet on Victoria Road the other day, I decided to take the next step and cheer the place up with some FOUND posters of my own.

Here's hoping someone at least gets a laugh from them or better still, phones Graeme or Jacqlyn whos details I transferred from the missing posters just in the hope of adding some spice to their grief filled lifes.

Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C
Exhibit D
Exhibit E

rage against the machine

2011-08-11T19:14:00.012+01:00

Today is a milestone for me.
I've rid myself of the shackles of the worlds worst hoover.
Infact, it's not even a hoover. You can't call it a hoover as it's a brand name like Coke for example. A hoover would have been great, but all this time I've had to deal with this bastard.

For the last 5 years of my life I have been under the restraints of the Dyson cylinder floor cleaner.
A weird looking, wee, wheeled boulder of a floor cleaner that you pull around the house behind you like some disabled, disobedient dog that so vehemently doesn't want to come into the room you are cleaning with you, that it either tries to get jammed behind the door frame or throws itself onto its side, rendering the wheels utterly useless and leaving you to drag the fucker around as if it were dead.

Not only that, it sucks at sucking!
The cushions off of our suite love just randomly shedding feathers periodically. We don't know why but they just do.
The Dyson cylinder floor cleaner can't even pick up a feather!!!
You have to bend down and pick them up off the floor yourself and then hand feed them to the Dyson cylinder floor cleaner thus strengthening the disabled dog look.

Also, the fucker was all held together with mile upon mile of gaffer tape such are it's battle scars from the beatings I administered through my rage filled outbursts that it constantly lead me to.
Said tape picked up more dirt than it did!

Well no more!
Today I said enough is enough.
Today I took back my pride.
Today I killed the bastard!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
See you in hell muthahubbard!
(where I imagine I will spend my eternity wandering round, dragging the sorry shit with me and feeding it burning feathers)

Next thing on my list:
The fridge - whos door wont stay open to let you load it but doesn't swing fully shut so the fucking alarm starts beeping away like some retarded reversing vehicle.

Why have the gods forsaken me to this life of pain?

Black 5 standing by

2011-08-09T10:31:00.008+01:00

Im not gonnae condemn or condone all the recent riots in London.
Im simply not qualified to.
HOWEVER....

What I will say is, when I told my friend yesterday, that it was all just black guys I could see on the TV rioting, he called me racist.
Now I am so NOT a racist.
I was merely making the point that in the footage I was fed by the media, it seemed to be only young black youths that were goading the police and rock throwing and looting etc.
Upon further investigation, it would seem that my friend was also disturbed by my use of the term 'black'!
Now this is where I think the problem may lie.

I believe that the PC brigade has driven the cold, hard, fear of simply being tarred with the big 'phobic' brush so far into our society that nobody wants to say anything nowadays for fear of scorn or repercussion.

Black is not a defamatory term.
It can be used as a defamatory term by simply adding an offensive term afterwards. For example at its simplest level 'black bastard' is totally offensive and unacceptable but its not the use of the word 'black' that is causing the outrage. Just like calling a Jewish person a Jew is not malicious. Calling them a Jewish cunt is, but again, Jew is not the offending term there.

If you ask me I think things have gotten way out of hand.
I, for one, long for the halcyon days of old when you had a slightly rotund fella in your class at school who you would admiringly refer to as fatty.
It's simply a playful describing word that you can all jovially relate to.
Just as if your friend was the fastest runner in the school, speedy was a perfectly acceptable, affectionate, assigned alias.
In the same innocently descriptive way, if a person was seen to be slightly mentally challenged or dense, everyone found it easier and more connecting to give him a nickname like Thicky.

Therefore, I am proposing my latest campaign to get us all back on track.
A mission of paramount importance in these times of disillusioned and disenchanted youths who feel left out from society and pigeonholed and alienated by the same peers and fellow citizens they seek approval and acclaim from.

It's a war cry of "I will not be made to fear my own words" to the PC system that has divided us in recent years with an insensible wall of fear and misunderstanding.

I say, bring back "Darkie!"
It's a great wee word not heard in years for fear of offending.
It's not an offensive word.
It's an affection word.
It's a great wee debonair, describer born of the banter.
I think re-introducing it's use would go a long way to easing everyone's pain and would be like a wet rag to the chip pan fire of tension we are seeing on our screens every night.
Just ask any Darkie.

So come on people! Let's make Britain Great again!
Who's with me?

hobo sapien

2011-08-04T10:17:00.006+01:00

I think i'm cursed.
I'm either cursed or genetically imposed to be a tramp.
Im one of those people that no matter what, will always look dirty.
You could throw the most expensive togs in the land on my frame
and i'd still look like a fucking tramp.

Dunno exactly what it is:
face shape, hairline, the way you carry yourself, just a general hereditary failing or as I suspect some secret gypsy curse placed on me by someone I was rude to in LIDL one time.

This morning, I poured milk over my Nestle Cheerios and about 10percent of it lept unnaturaly from the bowl all over my good R2D2 t-shirt that I had just put on seconds earlier. I then, in the space of about 15 minutes, proceeded to get chocolate digestive, toothpaste, talcum powder and snotter all over it! (the last 2 were Oscars doing incidentally.)
This was not an isolated incident by any stretch of the imagination.
Im usually a walking splash guard for foodstuffs, cooking oil, ink, coffee, juice, all sorts of shite. I think it used to be called "dirt magnet".

This is why I tend to cut around the house in the buff only choosing to adorn apparel in the last minute before exiting the door. It's not some perverse naturist kick im fulfilling, im simply trying to stay clean.

But even if I do stick religously to this rigorous regime, there are still factors way outwith my control. For example, the other day, as it was quite pleasant, i decided i would primp my pins with my super cool 'almond toned' breeks for work.
I was in the place approximately 4 minutes when a man about 4 feet from me dropped a tray of coffees and left me with legs like a fucking cheetah for the rest of the day. Infact, the rest of those good kecks life as the sun dried it in and it totally stained like fuck!

However, i fear there is more to this than just bad luck.
I went into the cupboard to get shorts the other day as it was proper scorchio and proceeded to pull out 4 beautifully folded and hung away dirty pairs!

So it seems that my predisposed condition for looking dirty may, in no small part, have something to do with the fact that I am actually hanging up dirty garments rather than washing them!
Like my granda used to do!
And he was a mad drunk tramp!

I Therefore conclude that in the case of this dirty boy:-

Hereditary hobo syndrome
copyright Darth Carlsberg medical evaluations MMXI

While you were out...............

2011-07-27T21:40:00.012+01:00

It has been almost 2 months since I posted anything on here.
I have been a busy boy recently but kinda also feel a sense of apathy setting in to the blog world like a nasty, stinking, community wrecking rot destroying it from the inside.
I like to call that rot, 'facebook' for short.

Anyway a lot has happened in those 2 months.
There's been far too many incidents to name them all but a few deserve recognition.

Andy Murray proved he is Scottish through and through by getting humped at the only thing he is meant to be good at. Again.

Greece, a country with a conception of a mañana culture, riddled with inefficiency and corruption. The country that invented the olympics then totally nearly fucked it up, went bust!

Stick witch Victoria Beckham, best known as the 2nd ugliest one off of the Spice Girls, after 4 attempts , finally popped out a girl baby and then, as if it's life wasn't gonna be tough enough already, proceeded to ruin the rest of it by calling the poor thing 'Legs Eleven' or some shit.

Welsh tramp and all round family man Ryan Giggs took out a super injuction which apparently is a law that means he could continue to shag his brothers wife, his cousin, his friends mum, his postman, his gran, his friends gran etc without anyone knowing.
Im from this day forth calling it a "gigging order"

Prick of the year winner and the UK's favourite talentless, racist northener Cheryl Cole got sacked for not being able to speak properly in a country that cannot pronounce the words aluminium or garage.

With wounds still fresh from fucking up banking regulation, pensions, defecits and sex offenders whereabouts, the UK government were given a shot at distributing olympic tickets.....
and fucked it up.

A couple from Largs won 162 million quid.
Surely some mistake.

Big Arnie announced he has a love child instantly destroying the myth that nobody on the planet would ever sleep with that charlatan.

Scotlands summer arrived in the form of biblical style rain.

The News of the world came to an end over some phone hacking scandal which everyone knew went on but suddenly were all really upset about it. Rupert Murdoch ended up in court deflecting blame in a scenario akin to Adolf Hitler saying "the way you lot are going on, you'd think I turned the bloody gas on in the showers myself!"
More importantly the whole shambolic episode ruined my sunday read but there is no way on gods earth I'm buying the fucking Sunday Mail.

A man in Norway went abolutely bonkers and shot 93 people. At 9 pound a pint, Im surprised this never happened sooner. However, when I see this boy on the TV though, is it wrong that all I can think of is THIS?

And how could we forget that THIS privilaged, Camden Town, Jewish, junkie, who everyone quite outspokenly proclaimed was a fanny, loafed it yet suddenly everyone was clambering over the top of each other to get their sycophantic 2 bits worth of condolences in.
They even asked David Beckham on the radio what he thought about it.
David Beckham! For fuck sake!!!

So all in all it's been a busy wee spell but it's nice to be back.
What else stupid happened that my petty, ill informed and vastly over opinionated wee brain may have missed?

cool or gay

2011-06-04T01:05:00.007+01:00

I expect nothing more than a full on, both sides accounted for debate on this one, so don't instantly dismiss it............

sum41 - cool or gay -ignore fucking spiderman!

(clearly im having a mid-life rock /punk identity crisis but the problem is,
I think Im right and it is infact cool!)

Discuss...............

To tip or not to tip?

2011-05-31T12:51:00.004+01:00

This has been bugging me since I was on my holidays.
It's an age old quandary as far as I'm concerned.
Do you leave a tip or don't you?
Everywhere you eat or drink on holiday actually EXPECT you to tip.
I don't want to seem like an old tightwad but as far as I'm concerned you should not leave anyone a tip. They are doing a job they are being paid for therefore the awkwardness of the dilemma should not ever be raised. If however someone is providing a service free of charge, then that's different. Certainly a tip to show your gratitude then is more than acceptable.

The subject raised it's ugly head twice again for me this week too.
I took Oscar for a haircut and felt like I was being railroaded into tipping the guy that cut his hair. However, I stood my ground and handed over only the fee that was asked of me.
Why is the hairdresser seen as a profession that should be given a tip?
It's like a financial bonus. I don't get a financial bonus after I do my job for someone, no matter how well I do it. It's a fucking nonsense really.

Taxi drivers too.
Why the hell should I give a taxi driver a tip?
What the hell is that all about?

"That's 9 quid mate."
"Just take the tenner mate." - What the fuck is that all about?
Surely;
"Just take the fucking 9 quid mate and give me the fucking quid back!"
is the correct response?

And take away delivery guys, who I've already paid in the form of a delivery charge, look at you like your a fanny when you wait for your pound change off of them.

Im all for binning the tipping culture and eliminating the embarrassing scenario that most of us find ourselves in. Currently we are all feeling the pinch financially so lets get this sorry custom banished to the realms of our uncomfortable history alongside:-

smoking in restaurants,
Gaelic TV programming,
fat birds dying their hair Rhianna red,
superdry jackets,
getting stars tattoed anywhere on your body,
skinny fucking jeans,
writing lol, pmsl, plz, etc
and so many more things that bug fuck out of me.

shite graffiti

2011-05-18T15:09:00.013+01:00

Im forever seeing this daubed all over the place recently.
'EVEN'

Can anyone enlighten me as to it's purpose or what it means?
It really annoys me. It's bloody everywhere. It's not even funny.
I can tell you this much, if I spelt my name with a V,
I'd go round every one of them changing it to 'STEVEN'
That would crack me up.

Like this does:-

Now, if you want to see an episode in how graffiti should be done correctly, just take a look at the handywork of this genius.
This is brilliant. I see it all over the place too.
At first I thought it was just a one off offensive tagging, but no, it too is everywhere. I've seen it on about 10 seperate ocassions.
It's even got a wee styled theme going for it which makes it even cooler as it is essentially just the word shite!
I wonder what the story is behind it and whatever posessed him / her?
I take my hat off to you anyway.
Especially for the one on the glass above the door of the flat,
which at night, is backlit beautifully.
shite - Ha! Brilliant!

Got me thinking too, what great swear word would you like to see randomly written everywhere?
Tell me & the prize for the winner is their word spray painted everywhere.
By me.

Honest.

Inconsiderate

2011-05-14T00:14:00.010+01:00

I defy anyone of you to not attain a full 3 points while driving through the popular Castlemilk speed trap while listening to this.

And would they here my reasoning?.............
Would they fuck!
They never take music choice into consideration.

Worth it though.
Worth every beautiful double bass drum second.
God bless you the brothers Van Halen.
And Mr Dairy Lee Roth - As a child, I wanted to be you.

Will you take my points then, as Im getting close to my limit?
At least pay the 60 quid!

It's kinda all your fault.
Kunt.

Trip adviser - The Shitland Isles

2011-05-10T12:25:00.015+01:00

After having seen the place first hand, I would just like to pen my thoughts for posterity and my own sanity.
Firstly, despite being Scottish, the locals don't consider themselves as such, preffering it would seem to belong to the Scandinavians. If that is the case, we should ask the Scandinavians if they are interested in buying the place and use the money to fix up Orkney and those other god forsaken islands.
It is bloody miles away! Literally 11 hours on a ferry.
And once you get there, you can't understand for the life of you,
why anyone in their right mind would ever want to go there.
There is NOTHING here! Absolutely nothing.
Not even a tree!
There are literally no trees as I can only assume they find it difficult to grow in such hellish, wind beaten conditions.

Even the horses are tiny, hopeless, wind beaten freaks.
Apparently they have huge problems with alcohol and drugs and Im not surprised at all by that. You would have to turn to drink or drugs if you stayed there by ways of escapism as there is fuck all else to do.
I was only there for 2 days and I ended up drunk on both of them.
Despite having work to do, once finished we had a few hours of free time before the ferry came to rescue us, so we decided to do a bit of sightseeing so that we could say we had seen some of the island.
What a waste of time.
Here's what we saw in pictures
(Pure shitey rainy pictures):

An actual lighthouse - 1st one I've ever seen

Vader Rock - One of only 2 cool things in Shitland

Whale watching -
You couldn't even see one if it was washed up on the beach

A old Sierra - The only other cool thing here

Lerwick - The sprawling metropolis that houses 100's of people

European style culture

And finally, I think this sums the place up.
Here is a headline from the local newspaper.
Apparently this is big news up there.
God help them.

Shitland Isles

2011-05-03T17:22:00.004+01:00

Im off to the Shitland Isles (near Stor No Way I think) for a job.
I was looking forward to it at first until I stumbled across this.
Apparently, it's CCTV footage from the Shitland Isles overnight ferry from Aberdeen which we are travelling on. Im now a tad worried to be honest.
After seeing this I went to the hardware store on Victoria Road & got a shitload of cable ties which I think I may need to keep me in my bed.
Cannae fucking wait.

The next generation

2011-05-03T11:16:00.008+01:00

Such is the lack of activity in the blog world this weather, that few of you will have noticed big DC was absent for a wee while. The reason being, I was on holiday then I was away daaahhn saaath in Laaahndaahn Taaahnn working at Wullie and Kathys wedding.
Now the irony is not wasted on me that of all of the people they could have sent down there, they probably would have been hard pushed to find a more anti-royal guy to film stuff.
I was absolutely of THIS school of thought.

In saying that though, I have to admit to fairly enjoying myself.
Just seeing an event of that size first hand was amazing in itself not to mention working at it. The buzz of all the people around the place made for a fairly charged atmosphere and a sense of excitement in the air that I've never encountered before.

It was also a proverbial who's who of A to Z list celebs.
I saw lots of well known faces like:
Simon Weston,
Ben Fogle,
Bill and that woman off of BBC breakfast,
Amanda Holden
(who's had so much botox, she now resembles the crazy frog!),
The boy off the Gold blend ads and
Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber who's scarier looking than Simon Weston.

I must admit I was a tad disappointed that it didn't kick off a wee bit.
I was so looking forward to some nutcase climbing the barrier and running straight for oversized pram carrying the newlyweds just to be blown away JFK style from one of the many rooftop snipers dotted all over the place, then to find out later he was just some Brazilian student who was running for a train.
Again.

There was one guy who staged his own little private protest.
He was my highlight of the whole day.
I had to take his picture just so people would believe me.
Here he is. Talk about making a statement. Legend.

Oh aye! And I also found a Rolex watch - Result!

Day of the dead

2011-05-02T21:40:00.005+01:00

Poor Henry Cooper barely got a mention today thanks to bloody Bin Laden hogging all the headlines. I dread to think what would have happened if they announced big Osamas demise on Friday when you couldn't put anything on the telly except sycophantic, arse-kissing royal correspondents. What would they have done?
Actually, I bet he fucking DID die on Friday!!
They just didn't want to spoil Willie and Kathys big day and ruin our good street party in Kelvingrove Park.
Anyway, I would just like to say that today is a personal justice for me, as I was on a plane on 9/11 heading to Mexico and thanks to the actions of that madman, I had to divert to Canada and sleep on a bloody red cross stretcher on a cold university floor in a room filled with about 400 snoring and farting strangers for 4 days, ultimately cutting my holiday in Puerto Vallarta short by a quarter.
So good riddance ya fanny. Im glad your deid now.

(incidentally, that's Osama not 'enry! He never hurt a soul.
Well maybe Mohammed Ali.)
I digress.

Welcome How yea fixed

2011-05-02T21:30:00.002+01:00

While I was away we have been graced with a new friend.
How yea fixed, thanks for joining our merry band of allsorts.
It's always nice to have someone new to play with and I'm sure I speak for all the padawans when I say its nice to have you with us.
I have to speak for them as they're a bit of a quite bunch lately.
Oanyhoo, welcome aboard.

PS How yea fixed? Well Im always on the lookout if yea can help?

The all new fun friday game (rehashed to fuck)

2011-04-07T21:58:00.012+01:00

Right y'all! Darth has got a brand new laptop.
Hurrah!!
Let's be honest though, I hate it & it hates me. Period!
(HA! Period!)
However let's fucking give it a wee go and see how long it is before I smash it to pieces.

Anyway, let's have a new / old fun Friday game as my first post off of the evil piece of shit. Plus we've not had a right good old interaction in ages.

Im calling it "BEST SONG EVER!"
Some of you may feel short-changed in as much as it smacks slightly of the old fun Friday game of 'happy tunes'
see here if you can be arsed

Anyway, this game is entirely different as it has a different title,
as again let me remind you ...BEST SONG EVER!!

It's different in every aspect as a happy tune may not be your favourite song ever. Also the BEST SONG EVER should mean more to you as a a classically penned piece than any other song does and it should spark a justifiable emotion in you not seen since your first twinge of orgasm deep in your tingling loins as you clambered across the inflatable assault course at the swimming baths, semi naked when you were developing from an innocent youth to a fully sexually aware adult and left you in a state of confusion / arousal....

you know what, I digress!

Just tell me you're favourite song of all time.
It's not as easy as it first appears.
You'll be glad to know mine isn't a Blink 182 number.
Its this beauty!
For a million reasons I'd gladly and aggressively go into.
What's yours?

Kneading treatment

2011-04-07T09:34:00.013+01:00

I went for my first ever massage the other day.
I had been working with a woman in a health spa and after talking to her about it, she recommended that I should go for one due to the nature of my work. I reluctantly agreed.

I don't know what your thoughts are on the subject, but here's mine:

Firstly, I'd like to point out that someone joked with me about the embarrassing posibility of getting aroused during it.
NO CHANCE!
The very fact that you are lying in a weird room with a total stranger administering painful pressure to your already tender body would remove any of the sensuality for my money.

Secondly, Im not entirely sure how effective the whole thing was.
The alleged physical benefits from it seem to have escaped me.
Im not sure my back is in any better shape than it was before I went in.

Thirdly, Im pretty hopeless at the whole relaxing thing anyway and Im sure the wee woman isn't used to working on someone of such a chatty nature. I think my excessive chat was fear induced though.
Im pretty sure your not supposed to talk as much as I did during it.
Especially with your head buried in the wee hole in the table.
However, I know people swear by these things and as a relaxation tool, granted Im sure it has some merit. The fact your muscles are getting a hefty work out without you having to move an inch is fairly tiring.
God knows all I wanted to do after it was lie down.

In saying that , I did actually find the whole thing quite stressful.
As much as it's supposed to relax you, the sound of waves being pumped into the room only assisted in my needing the toilet and I have to admit being fairly tense throughout the whole ordeal as I had to concentrate all my efforts in trying my hardest not to fart.

In summary:
Massage therapy - Jury still out.
(may need to go back and try again)

Pointless political protests

2011-04-04T15:50:00.003+01:00

Seriously, what is the fucking point of peaceful protest?
It's the demonstration equivalent of a policeman shouting
"Stop! Or I will shout stop again!"
It achieves nothing.
I may be wrong here but I defy anyone to tell me when a peaceful protest ever led to any action as a direct result of it.

It has been created by the people in power in this country to make the masses feel empowered with the knowledge that they are in fact allowed to protest so long as it is done peacefully.
All the while keeping those in power literally unaffected by its gentle and useless passing nature.

As for the scarf wearing anarchists that tag themselves along on these pointless crusades, they are simply fannies looking for somwhere to cause a wee bit of carnage in the name of boredom.
They care even less about the aim of the protest than the people it is ultimately aimed at.
What a waste of everyones time.

The recent uprisings sweeping across Africa have shown us one thing,
if you want something done, get a fucking gun!

Politically incorrect

2011-04-04T11:33:00.005+01:00

Scotland debates -
A live political debate show broadcast on STV last week.
It featured the 4 (so-called) main party leaders and was a Q&A forum where the public were given a chance to air their concerns.

Now, as we all know, I am as politically inept as you can get and loathe all things politician based however,
I have two questions that I would like to add to the pot:-

Firstly,
Why did this fella, knowing that the show was being broadcast nationwide, think it would be a good idea to go in this outfit?

Secondly,
When addressing him, why did Bernard Ponsonby not say
"Guy at the back in the hat!"

I would have.

headphones required probably

Fun for all

2011-03-26T11:37:00.008Z

Let's have a right good old game.
Lift our wee spirits from all the doom and gloom thats about just now.

I reckon after the sucess of our story writing game, we are probably more than qualified to pen a beautiful and sure fire hit song.
Between us I have no doubts that we will produce something elegant, stunning, profound and most of all, something to be proud of.
Or ashamed of, both are just as good.

I think the easiest way to set out our stall here is to base our ditty on the popular blues style 4x4 combo thats proved hugely effective in the past for such musical heavyweights as Bree Travellan and his honest band or 'Crying eyes' Joseph Payne and the god fearing pessimists.

An example of this style would be:

Well, I woke up this morning
doo doo doo roo roo roo
My woman was dead
doo doo doo roo roo roo
Gypsys broke in through my kitchen
doo doo doo roo roo roo
Stabbed her up in the head

Now all we need is a subject and we are away.
Who wants to start this lyrical ball rolling?

Welcome Jack

2011-03-25T09:10:00.005Z

Happy days.
More friends for us all to play with.
The latest lost soul we've hoovered up is Jack.
Let's all give him the lukewarm welcome that all us padawans have grown to love and expect over the course.
You can also bask in the glory of Jacks work in the padawan publications column too so fill yer boots.
Hi fella, welcome aboard and thanks for joining our wee club.

Do your bit

2011-03-23T18:24:00.003Z

click for bigger

It's that time again.
It only comes round every 10 years.
It's legally a must for everyone.
However, it is your right nae your gift to fill it in & in the box marked religion,
put Jedi.

I did it 10 years ago then spent about a month shitting myself that some burly sheriffs officers were gonna chap my door and take me away, batter fuck out of me then throw me in the jail cos I ended up convinced it was a big joke and I'd be the only idiot who done it.

Since then it's transpired that over 40,000 like minded people done it and the census people have all but admitted they are powerless to do anything about it.

So now is your chance to grab a last shot at anarchy.
Get it done and get on here and let us all know when you have.

click for bigger

WAR! HOOO! What is it good for?

2011-03-22T09:54:00.014Z

It's good for a new government to flex their muscle and have a wee shot at playing war games against a much weaker enemy.

It's good for arms and ammunition companies cos somebody needs to supply the bombs and bullets that we dispatch in the direction of innocent fellow humans in the name of peace.

It's also good for 24 hour rolling news stations as it gives them something to fill their running orders with footage thats still slightly less appealling to watch than her putting that cat in the bin.

Apart from that, it's good for FUCK ALL!!!

As far as i can see this is simply another unnecessary political war aimed at achieving the hidden goals of the west but poorly disguised as a righteous crusade.
Obviously America and the UK want Gaddafi out and have seen this popular trend sweeping north Africa of uprisings as the perfect excuse to execute their plans.

I wouldn't be surprised if Mr Gaddafi had some sort of dirt on these two superpowers with regards to the release of Ali Al Megrahi and they've decided to eliminate him before he dishes it.
Im sure big Al Megrahi will have lots to say on the matter too.

I've just thought of something else WAR!!! HOOO!! is good for.
It's good for causing a major distraction if somethings fucked up somewhere else!
I say this as I also noticed, in keeping with the minister who famously termed 9-11 as a 'good day to bury bad news', on the first day of the Libyan assault, John Terry was reinstated as England captain and not one person batted a fucking eyelid.

WAR! HOOO! What is it good for anyway?

HELP!!!!

2011-03-16T10:39:00.005Z

My house is infested with MOTHS!!
Hunners and hunners of tiny wee bastard moths all over the place.
Honest to god I see about 5 a night in each room of the flat.
Im worried that they may be attracted to a dead mouse somewhere.
Fuck I hope that wee mouse isn't lying in here dead somewhere.
-SHUDDER-

Can anyone advise me please as to what the fuck is it that they want and more importantly, how do I get rid of the bastards.
It was good fun at first trying to kick them to death but Im fed up with that now as I pulled my hamstring trying to reach a fairly high one.

Ther'es one right now!! Unbelieveable.
FUCKING MOTHS!

Who says drugs are bad for you?

2011-03-10T09:29:00.009Z

I have honestly never really been interested in Charlie Sheen or followed his career or watched the crap that I'd assume is "two and a half men", but rest assured after checking out his recent antics, I'll be hanging on the edge of my seat waiting for either his locking up or untimely, tragic death.
Hell, if I had the money that man had, Im sure I'd already be dead or have done much worse than this, his moment of TV gold.....

And all this berating and condemnation from a man who was stoating round Easterhouse one day out of his mind on drink and drugs trying to score even more drink and drugs and eventually (allegedly) ended up paying £500 for some speed mixed with washing powder.

"Can you smell it Chuck?
Can ya?
That's Daz Chuck!"

Fud!

Posterboy

2011-03-09T16:03:00.010Z

I don't get it?
I just don't get it?

Why did Langside college pick this guy as the face to represent them on their new marketing campaign?
Im fairly certain he doesn't own the college so we can rule that one out.
He may well be a model from a professional photoshoot used to launch the campaign or even an actual student who attends Langside who, amongst many others had their photo taken as part of it.
But still the question remains....
Why this guy?

Did the people at Langside college think that he is a fair representation of your average Langside student?
If so, it's a big decision to run with if you ask me.
Im not trying to be unfairly dismissive of this guy but surely they had a slightly more aesthetically pleasing model / student that they could have used? He's on these fucking massive billboards after all.

He's not unpleasent to look at by any stretch of the imagination but his appearance does raise a few issues surely?

Instead of a fairly attractive, youthful, fresh faced individual with all of his or her life choices ahead of them, they've chosen to go for this old looking, baldy guy who for my money, should by now have chosen his career path and be either firmly in a place of work or at least trying get into said line of work to make his living.
If your his age and at college you're just having a laugh surely?

It certainly doesn't make me think,....
"Langside college? Hey! It looks cool and might just be for me."

It just makes me think THIS.....

Summit about nuttin'

2011-03-09T12:25:00.005Z

After seeing the photographs in the paper of the 'unique historical summit' between the old firm and the Scottish government Im quite frankly, at a loss for words.
The only people who look happy to be at this, (by my count) the 3rd or 4th of these 'unique historical summits' are the smug, useless politicians who seem only interested in getting their photographs taken for there scrapbooks.
Both representatives from the old firm look completely over it!
Total embarrassing waste of time.

The one good thing to come out of it is our new caption competition.
What are these two fine human beings and upstanding society role models actually saying to each other?
What exactly was said to provoke such a response?
You've seen my thoughts, what's yours?

Sods law

2011-03-09T10:18:00.010Z

Ive decided that the Gods are having a good laugh with my destiny.
Everyday they do something that I'm convinced is just to annoy me.
Whether it's make me go all the way to Moes and back before realising it was milk I was meant to get, not bread, making me drop my keys outside the front door whilst both my hands are full of heavy bags and I can't pick 'em up without dropping them all, or something way more sinister like making me drop a sock from the pile of dirty washing and not notice it until I've loaded and started the machine.
Im sure they are out to get me and drive me to an early grave.

However, being the smart cookie that I am, I think I may have discovered how to play them at their own game.

I tried to arrange a night out with friends when I had a free weekend in my diary. No sooner had we agreed on the date for our wee get together, my phone started ringing with work offers on that very date.
The Gods were fucking with me.

I decided to see if I could work this to my advantage.
I thought hard to myself (hard enough for the Gods to hear) about organising another weekend gathering with friends and even got the diary out and marked it in.
There was never gonna be any gathering.
The whole episode was a hoax to see if the Gods would bite.
They DID!
3 days work lined up for that weekend.
RESULT!!

Seriously, what a power to possess!
You can make your will, the Gods will!
Imagine!

You should try this too. I heartily recommend it.
Use reverse psychology against the higher powers of the universe and see what you can achieve.
The opportunities are as endless as they are mind blowing.

Try this one for example, if your in a hurry.
Put (for talking sake) your young baby son in the front seat of your car without strapping him in then announce to yourself inside your head (for the Gods to hear)-
"I will strap him in when we stop at the lights!"

I guarantee you green lights all the way to your destination.

Try it. Honestly.
See what happens.
Let me know if you can do it too.

Welcome Lynne

2011-03-06T11:14:00.003Z

I think we may be going through a wee purple passage here.
(WUN - that doesn't mean what you think it does fella)
Our second new follower in as many weeks.

Everyone, I'd like you to meet and greet Lynne.
She's travelled a long and far but eventually she found us.
She's home.
She's our new friend that we never even knew we had.
Say hi everybody.
'Mon in missus, kettle's on.

Im just assuming it's a girl right enough.
Could be some weird Eastern European guy called 'Lynne'.
Welcome anyway.

Quality post

2011-03-06T10:44:00.006Z

I bought some new knives the other day and they are fucking amazing!
These bad boys would cut through steel.
I've been bleeding twice since I got them.
Brilliant.
I was cutting chicken with them like it simply wasn't there.
I even ended up seeing how far into the chopping board they would cut.
Need a new chopping board now.
Fucking magic they are!

Nothing beats good quality items.
You can just feel the quality of something when you hold it.
Knives, tools, pens, apparel, lightsabres anything at all.
I LOVE a good quality item.
Making something 'quality' is simply making it the best.
Quality. Even the word itself is quality.
Say it out loud.
K-W-OLLITY!
Sounds good doesn't it.
Sounds Quality!

Got me thinking about where else I like good quality and as sad as it may seem, I've noticed before that I always go for the quality spec when Im buying binbags and bog roll.

There is nothing more anger inducing than seeing the arse falling out of your binbag and a ton of bin juice going all over your floor when you embark on the torture that is, getting the fucker out of those hell on earth silver cylinder bins, that seem to designed with a wee binbag snagging lip on the top of them. The only thing that comes close to that pain is trying to get a complete and rip-free ply off of a cheap, chucked it and falling to bits bog roll.

Strange isn't it, that you'd bother spending the extra money on something that you are essentially taking home to put straight in the bin or something your gonnae just wipe your arse with and chuck right down the toilet.

It's worth it though eh?
Quality is worth every penny.
Where do you like to see good quality?

Perjury

2011-03-01T12:04:00.013Z

Dont always believe what your own eyes tell you.
January 2001:
Stinking, talent free whore and all round racist celebrity Cheryl Cole, pips Scotlands number one figure of fun and third time running
'orc-a-like of the year' winner, Neil Lennon, to the post
for the coveted 'DC's Prick of the year award'.
Everyone (including Lennon) fears supernatural forces are at play.

The reason: A certain fear festered frustrated fellow faith follower who frequents these fair folios (seriously - aliteration King!) realises that his Google chrome allows him to manipulate the voting unfairly.
He is now faced with a choice.

And by his actions and caring not for his own safety,
his reputation,
DCs safety,
DCs reputation,
Cheryl Coles safety,
Cheryl Coles reputation,
the reputation of anyone who voted,
to an extent the safety of anyone who voted,
Mrs Carlsberg, who was bombarded with quizical questions from DC about the strange voting pattern which totally hampered her getting ready to go to work on 2 consecutive mornings,
padawans valuable time as almost a record 5 of them even bothered to comment on the outcome,
Tommy Sheridans feelings of being wanted,
Neil Lennons trophy cabinet,
the credibility of everything that the padawan club stands for......

.....he chose to go ahead and rigged the vote!

Im sorry to have to break this to you all in this manner,
but to absorb the heat I did, then to receive the text:

"Ha ha, mate I have a confession to make!
I fixed the vote to make sure cole won!
Couldn't have lenny winnin eh?"

and still, after offering the offender the solace of an olive branch and an opportunity to exonerate themself, was faced with denial and inturn, an increasing contempt toward the good name of DC,
I felt the truth could no longer be concealed.

To whom it may concern;
This post was written under the influence of red wine and held back due to it's sensitive nature of comprimise.
However, I now feel the time is right for the people to know the truth and also there's humour to be derived from your shameful actions.

And after all, isn't that what it's all about fella?

Welcome Dougie

2011-02-28T10:53:00.002Z

It's party time people!
We have our first new follower join us in fucking ages.
I'd like to start the ball rolling by saying a huge warm welcome to Dougie and thank him for joining our merry band.
Perhaps his presence and input can spur us back to the hedonistic days of 10 and 11 comments.
Ah those crazy times.
Anyway, welcome aboard fella, enjoy the ride.
Everyone say hi to our new friend!

additionally...........

2011-02-26T01:41:00.003Z

After co-conversatio with the bold Gav and the one man mating machine that is WUN, I feel that we have all taken our eye off of the ball, have stopped focussing on whats mportant and are all spiralling into a world of longing for respondant recognition.

This is wrong.
Y'all got shit to air - do it on yer own space.
Don't drag me into yer shit!

Ik drunk.
Antione else?

Fuck ogg%

PS Blink 182 at T in the park......
how good?

Im looking for a 'out of 10' with a theory
for those of you who still give a fuck!

carpe diem

2011-02-23T08:36:00.017Z

While the middle east is brought to it's knees, I'd just like to point out that, the irony of David Cameron condemning the violence while touring the area with arms dealers, selling arms to dictators to turn on their own people is not wasted on me.

However, pain and suffering aside, I feel this is a great chance for us to seize the momentum as has proved successful in Egypt, yet maybe not so successful in Libya with our own attempt at gaining power.
If we pick up the baton of protest where they left off, we can vote with our feet and drive forward a motion to have OUR will enforced.
This is our chance to have our voice heard people.

My first thought was to get shot of those sponging royals.
Not because they are a dictating force or anything like that,
simply cos they bug fuck out of me.
Let's get them outta there brothers!

The times they are a changing fellow sufferers and now is the time for ousting such figures of hate from our society. Figures who were unjustly forced upon us without democratic representation & we're all left to simply follow their drivel & narrow mindedness without speaking out as if they represent what we the people actually want.
Well no more! I personally think this movement sounds the death knell for figures like Chris Moyles and Davina McCall or any other publicity hungry talent free moron for that matter.

Then I thought, "why stop there?"
Lets get that border shut and fenced right off!
That'll fucking piss a few folk off down south.
Let's all take to the streets! See if they try any of that live fire on us!
Let's retain all our oil, whisky, blackpudding, Irn Bru, haggis,
tunnocks tea cakes, square snarlers, rights to Subo,
shite fitba and early death rate for ourselves.
Fuck everyone else!

'Mon it'll be a riot. Literally.
Who's with me?
Anyone got any better ideas for our protest?

Guess who's back?

2011-02-19T12:18:00.007Z

Sitting watching Friday night TV and both Mrs Carlsberg and I catch a sight of something out of the side of our eyes.
What the hell was it though?
It was like a brown flash whizzing by the fire.
We both saw it so it must have been something, right?
Upon further investigation I see, the all too familiar tail of my arch nemesis the mouse sticking out from underneath the unit.

How the fuck did he get back in?
How the fuck am I going to catch him this time?
Where's fucking Romeo when you need him?
Is Mrs Carlsberg gonnae pause True Blood or what?

He is currently boxed in under the unit with three 12" records completing the trap.

My options are:

a) Leave him there to starve to death then remove him.
This option has the potential for hygiene issues.

b) Try and get the hoover nozzle in and hoover him up.
This option seems hilarious but again with the hygiene issues.

c) Spray loads of deoderant down there through a naked flame.
This option is slightly barbaric and raises some safety questions.

Please advise.....

Horses suck!

2011-02-16T14:36:00.011Z

It's no secret that Im not a great fan of horses.
I really think they are a stupid looking, crap animal.
-as posted here before-
However I am somewhat dismayed and surprised to discover that they are infact getting crapper.
The other day, 2 horses got distressed at a racecourse and died after getting an electric shock off of an underground cable.
See for yourself
Now, they weren't killed outright by the electric shock.
No. The electric shock distressed them.
They then died from the distress.
How crap is that!?!?!?

I can remember in the good old days when horses, despite all of the aesthetic failings, at least tried to make up for it by being cool.
It wasn't so long ago when cowboys and indians used to ride these ugly creatures bareback in a chase to the death, all the while, firing hand guns and burning arrows at each other.
In olden days, brave warriors used to ride horses right into the heart of battle, sometimes running them straight to their death, but did you hear the horse complaining?
Did you fuck!
They just got on with it.
You only have to look at a horse the wrong way nowadays and the fucking thing will kick off and start jumping about like an idiot.

In summary - Modern horses are shite.
Everything was better and tougher in the good old days.
Agreed?

Happy birthday DC

2011-02-10T23:02:00.018Z

February 10th. A date synonymous with fate.
The day that Darth Carlsberg was created.
There were no parents, just really pissed off mediclorins.
And lo, DC was amongst us, raging generally.

Anyway, I was working on my birthday - bummer.
I took the above photo during one of the many real boredom lapses that occured during the epic filming of 'the engineering factory'.

All the grease monkeys looked on with misplaced aggression and complete non-qualified bemusement throughout the day.
Especially at lunch time when this happened.

Anyway for my birthday I got a few things:
Toiletries, money, books etc and this fucking awesome bad boy!!!!!

Amongst the other presents I was pleased to receive, was
this padawan club loving, ongoing fun spinning, cool or gay anomaly of a gift just that keeps on giving.

Thank you Lady Kaka.
Happy birthday to me and all that.
Cheers x

fucking disgracebook

2011-02-06T02:34:00.017Z

I have obtained a new high in my online career this week that is,
after an almost 2 month long run on facebook, I have been BANNED!
I have genuinely become one of the few people in history to have had their account deactivated by facebook.

For the benefit of any of the padawans that were following yet suddenly lost me, I received an Email from 'the facebook team' to alert me to the reasoning behind the decision and apparently, in their wisdom, facebook have deemed my activities as a breach of their pornography & nudity rules and shut my page down in it's tracks.

Apparently Mr Zuckerbergs people see posting humourously yet suggestively naked pictures of yourself as directly contrevening their decency policy.

Firstly, I hate facebook anyway and only signed up to record the actions and amazing adventures of Oscar and I but it's all over.

Well fuck you facebook I wont be back and I will take all of my witty, inane, exposure-based banter to a social networking body who appreciate the disrobed human form.
If I could only find one.

Do you wish to:
- like - comment - report/grass - outrage - repulse

Skye - believe in better

2011-01-25T13:28:00.003Z

I stayed up near Skye the other night in the Kyle of Lochalsh.
The town that has everything.
It was shite.
Shite town. Shite hotel. Shite job. Shite
I made a shite video of my shite stay on my shite phone.
It's shite. And you need headphones to hear it.

I think the kids enjoyed themselves though.

Because Im worth it

2011-01-18T13:59:00.009Z

It gives me great pleasure in announcing the winner of the coveted Prick of the year award for 2010 is Mrs/Miss Cheryl Cole/Tweedy.
It was looking like a close fought thing right up until the last day of voting when common sense shone through and Cheryl received a late surge in votes giving her a whopping 47% of the total votes cast.
Congratulations Cheryl.

Im really pleased actually as I voted for her and also,
I was worried I was gonna have to tell Neil Lennon it was him!

In true Cheryl style, it's proving very difficult to contact her with the news of her triumph, so I've settled for the next best thing.
Click here to enjoy the fallout

A big thanks to everyone who voted.
DC x

Taboo artist

2011-01-12T08:44:00.010Z

My resolution this year, amongst others, is to stop swearing.

This is proving to be more difficult than it would first appear.
It would seem that swearing is part of our everyday language.
By it's very nature, life makes it almost impossible not to swear.
I have heard it said that swearing shows a lack of vocabulary.
I would like to think it shows entirely the opposite infact.

I got thinking about swearing and the use of swearing and some of the swear words used regularly and Im now more confused than ever.
Unequivocally,the most popular of all the profanitys is FUCK.
FUCK this! FUCK that! FUCK everything!
It's probably one of the most used words ever.
After hello and fanny.

FUCK can be used as a verb, noun, adjective, anything really.
It can be used logically as any word in any sentence e.g.,
"FUCK the FUCKING FUCKERS!"

It is the only word that makes sense as an infix,
crammed into the middle of a word.
EG AbsoFUCKINGlutely! or TeleFUCKINGvision.

Generally, FUCK is used to describe the art of copulation.
However this can lead to some confusing consequences.
If I said you were as smelly as FUCK,
would I therefore be suggesting that you smell of sex?
If I remarked I was FUCKING bored,
does that mean I am as bored as I would be shagging?
If I suggested I was off to the pub to get FUCKED,
would you think I was drinking with Tommy Sheridan?

No.
Because the word FUCK is the most varied metaphor in the world.
To be as smelly as FUCK suggests how unpleasant the smell is.
FUCK in this case is used to negatively describe. Whereas if I described your smell as cool as FUCK, the opposite is implied.

FUCKING bored is using FUCK as a colourful adjective merely as an intensive to describe the severity of the situation.

Going to get FUCKED is ambiguous to the core.
For some people, this phrase is used a positive, as in describing the end results of the recreational misuse of alcohol or narcotics. Whereas, if I was refering to a visit from the local police with an end result of getting FUCKED, this would clearly be not so positive.

It really is a minefield. A FUCKING minefield at that and after much thought, the only 2 things I can be certain of are;

1. I'd like to hear some of your further examples of the use of this beautiful (or other) beautiful profanitys.

2. I have failed miserabley with my new years resolution.

Vote for your winner

2011-01-09T17:51:00.007Z

Due to scandal, corruption and FIFA style in-fighting amongst the nomination panel, I've had to take the unprecedented step of compiling this years Prick of the year list alone.
I did manage to absorb some inspiration from the panels choices before it all went bitch fight though.
The final 10 are in the column at the right.
Please, choose your final favourite and we will announce the winner and notify them at the end of the week.
Happy voting.

(I know it's a secret ballot and alll that, but I don't mind fucking telling you that yon fanny Cheryl Cole is so getting my vote!)

It could be you

2011-01-05T12:42:00.004Z

It's a new year.
A new beginning.
A time for positivity.
A time for hope.
A time for the eagerly awaited Prick of the year vote!

This year has blessed us with a bumper crop of contenders so get your suggestions out there people and the poll will be compiled and run for the whole of next week with the ultimate winner being announced and NOTIFIED thereafter.
(Last years winner, a certain Mr Robbie Williams,
has not looked back since receiving the coveted title.)

Not that you'll require any help with this one
however, here's a few to start you off:

Lindsay Lohan
Paul the octopuses owner
Anonymous
Nick Clegg
Robbie Williams
Her that put the cat in the bin
anyone off of Jersey Shore
Raul Moat
The other 6 off of Take That
Nick Griffin
George Michael
Jedward
David Cameron
Gordon Strachan

Mammaries are made of this

2011-01-05T12:30:00.008Z

2011 was only 12 hours old and already it had gifted me probably one of my most memorable moments of the year.
Around midday my neighbours were alerted to a mad, drunken headcase who was arguing with his reflection and kicking vehicles.
Upon approaching him, the lunatic in question thought it wise to strip off and threaten me and my neighbours with violence, the promise of a good hiding and goad us into a fight.
Brilliant.
I could not stop laughing at the absurdity of the whole situation.
The end result looked like THIS.

Anyone else do or see anything ridiculous?

Happy new same old

2010-12-31T21:26:00.004Z

All the best and all my love to each and everyone that has contributed in however small a way over this year to this mindless,
free of direction runaway train of thought.
Here's to more of the same next year.
Mon tha padawans!
I wish all of you, all the best for the new year.

What's everyones hopeless resolutions?
Mine are:

Stop swearing.
Stop fucking smoking.

Fuck it!
Just the smoking then.

Have a great 2011 everyone x

(WUNs) fun friday game

2010-12-17T07:03:00.006Z

Todays game is Mallets mallet.
It's a one word association game.
Someone says a word and you say the first word that comes
into your head that's related to it. And so on.
Easy?

I will start-

Monkey

Available for pantomime

2010-12-16T14:27:00.005Z

I can't say I fancy yon rapist fella off of Wikileaks chances of still being a free man at Xmas as, despite hearing about a number of huge celebrities lining up to show their support for him, he could only manage to get Eddie Large as his lawyer.

Actually now that I think about it......
Your Mr Assange does bear a slight resemblance to Sid little!

Britains ugliest dog

2010-12-16T10:37:00.004Z

His name is Ug and he is a worthy winner of the title.
Can you name the others that he pipped to the post?

9 sleeps to go

2010-12-16T10:14:00.009Z

Woohoo! Im starting to feel right christmassy now!
Despite the recession, immigration rules, benefit cheats, gypsies, the trebling of tuition fees, the royal family still existing, Frankie Boyle making funny jokes on his comedy programme (how dare he!),
that poor rapist wikileaks guy spending xmas in jail, David Beckham and Wayne Rooney both getting away with shagging those hookers, smackheads, not being able to get a parking space outside cos of Arnold Clark & fuckers that can't drive always being in front of me,
Im really quite upbeat and looking forward to it.

All I want for christmas is:
A nose I don't need to blow every 25 seconds
A smashing Star Wars Adidas hoody with a lightsabre battle on it

What about you guys?
Are you excited?
What would you like for Crimbo?

Is there anybody out there?

2010-12-07T16:02:00.003Z

Im not sure if it's the snows fault and that's why it's very quiet on here so in a desperate attempt to get us all playing again
the Friday game has been brought forward.

Its called "Can't stop....."

Tell us what you can't stop.
It could be a habit.
It could be a fear.
It could be a song title.
It could be simply a statement of fact.

Let's play people.
Best one wins hee haw!

The definition of irrelevance

2010-12-06T16:22:00.004Z

Found this picture tucked away on my phone which i remember taking because I was actually laughing out loud when I walked past it.
Colquhouns, the harware, ironmongery and power tools specialist offering a freebie to entice it's customers to it's open day.

Now what to offer as the freebie?
Our customers are likely to be skilled tradesmen form the building or construction industry, so what would be a suitable gesture?
What would they really need, could really use or really like?

Geezer

2010-12-06T14:07:00.002Z

If I had to explain it, I would mention how I was singing Oscar nursery rhymes and went off on a cockney accent tangent and lo & behold,
this shit was born.
Man I love days off.

Dead.... and loving it!

2010-12-02T23:57:00.005Z

Poor old Leslie Nielsen eh.
Surely you're no deid?

I am. And don''t call me Shirley.

cool or gay?

2010-11-28T22:06:00.003Z

I have started shaving my arm pit hair for no other reason than I was a bit bored and thought it would be a riot.

I am sticking with it now though as I no longer suffer from that brick hard armpit hair you get in the morning post anti-perspirant application.

Admittedly, it's a tad 'weird looking' as the rest of me is still a bit hairy however,...... cool or gay?

Experimental films

2010-11-25T22:47:00.006Z

Who says modern art is inaccessible and eliteist?
This really speaks to me.

Penny for your thoughts?

Junkies and numpties

2010-11-25T14:03:00.011Z

Want to hear a story that I originally thought funny but since reading it back I've bored even myself?

The other night someone buzzed our door at around 8:30pm and,
upon answering it, I was told it was "the Polis!"
Now even I know that Strathclyde Police do not address themselves as such, which is why I was even more amazed to hear someone else let them in!

As I headed downstairs to evict the no doubt smackhead from my close, the neighbour who let them in, stormed angrily out from his flat, apparently realising what he had done and steamed down the stairs ahead of me.

When we got to the bottom we were greeted by a proper 'his and her' smackhead couple who were now claiming to know the person in the bottom flat, despite not knowing their name and were adamant by that really bizarre logic, that they were entitled to stay in our close.

At this point, my neighbour starts getting quite aggresive and produces from his wallet, quite frankly, the worst fake police ID I have ever seen in my life and threatens to arrest the smackhead, if he and his beautiful toothless ladyfriend do not leave immediately.

Now, smackhead or not, a fucking blind man could have told you that this was not a police ID that had just been briefly flashed in his face and hey presto it all started to kick off.

My neighbour started squaring up to the smackhead, insistant that he was a bona fide policeman and he would take action.
The smackhead refused to go anywhere, telling my neighbour that impersonating a police officer was an offence and he wanted the real police called this instant.

It was only when I reminded him that he had entered our close originally claiming to BE "the Polis", that he realised the folly of the whole situation and shook my hand and he and his stunning, gaunt partner left quietly. It's refreshing to see that your appreciation of irony is not affected by smack abuse. Unlike your appreciation of toothpaste and soap and water.

Im not sure what to take from the experience other than the experience itself and just move on with my life but honestly......
I cannot tell you how bad this ID was.
Why did he have this?
Had he used it before?
Im hoping it's like something from a birthday card that he carries around for a laugh with his mates in the pub etc
but to try and use it.........

Never a dull moment in Carlsberg Towers I can tell you.

Dining with Darth

2010-11-25T13:22:00.012Z

We went to a Michelin star restaurant when we were on holibags
and the food was absolutely amazing!!
I think we stood out a bit like a sore thumb in amongst the Helly Hansen sailing crowd, so, not to be alienated and singled out as the odd couple, I treated Mrs Carlsberg and the other customers to a lesson in fine dining etiquette and manners with a ice-breaking rendition of the intro to BBCs Ski Sunday on the table leg.
Looking back now, I now realise I was wrong.

Its not Ski Sunday, it's the cricket!!!

Glasgows most famous son

2010-11-25T13:17:00.011Z

Mrs Carlsberg and I went to see Frankie Boyle on Saturday night in yer Armadillo. He was fucking hilarious. Right up my street.
Proper sarcastic, offensive stuff. Riotous. Nothing was sacred.
They were all getting it. Baby P, Namu off of X-factor,
Stephen Hawking,that taxi driving killer from Cumbria etc
Brilliant.
I can't remember a single joke of his now though.

Anyone know a good joke?

Seriously though....

2010-11-25T13:02:00.004Z

WTF!!!
What next at all,
Seoul hole (in a bowl)
Mingy thingy (in a dinghy)
Rich Bitch (in a ditch)
Goat oats (on a boat)

and so on and so on.

Reap the benefits

2010-11-20T23:55:00.008Z

Is it any wonder Im pissed off?!?!?!
I've never asked for a penny from anyone in my life.
(Well I asked the builder for a pound for the bus the other day cos I didn't have any change but thats different!)
These people are just taking the fucking piss now and bawbags like you and I are footing the bill.

If I was in charge, you would only get housing benefit if you worked!
I know I keep prattling on about this, however, these scroungers are all going on about how they cant work cos they will lose their benefits, well there is your solution right there. Give them fuck all unless they work. If they work it shows that they are not just freeloading bastards and housing benefit should be offered to them to help boost their wage in order to put a roof over their heads. If they don't work then I feel that they don't want a roof over there head. So fuck them.
The savings would be astronomical & the boost to the economy would be more than enough to sort out all this messy deficit business.

If they just let me drive for a wee bit, we'd all get there a lot quicker!

cool or gay

2010-11-20T20:29:00.002Z

I have stopped wearing pants cos they annoy me.
Cool or gay?

PS anyone that says it's unhygienic simply does not know how to wipe their own arse correctly!

Tributteos

2010-11-12T19:15:00.010Z

This is something that confuses me a lot.
Im not making fun of the dead or trying to get a laugh out of peoples sorrow but I will never understand why people put down football strips when someone has died in the streets.
Fair enough if it was a footballer that died in the streets but Im guessing most of the time, that this is not the case.
Looking at this outpouring of grief, I can't tell you which team this person supported, if it was a boy or girl or more importantly, what actually happened here or when!

All I can see is a load of ned style football fans (the kind that condone fighting in the streets) desperately trying to get one over each by getting more of their shirts down in a kinda sick show of oneupmanship.

Also I can see a few Buckfast bottles so Im even more confused.
Although Im sure the mourners that left the buckfast bottles probably saw that as some kind of fitting tribute.

I like to call these brazenly moronic displays, Tributteos.
And the sad part is, there are more and more of them turning up.

Tributteos - fucking stupid!

TVs brighter moments

2010-11-04T14:22:00.005Z

Bwah-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
You couldn't make this shit up.
God bless the much maligned X factor.
Makes my Saturday night, every Saturday night!

God Im such a sad old man.

BIG NEWS

2010-11-02T14:36:00.017Z

The answer to the weekend game was Lanzarote,......
(well done so called anonymous) where, I asked Mrs Carlsberg to join me in ruling the galaxy together, forever, as man and wife.

She said yes!!!

And despite that wee cunt Willie Windsor trying to fucking steal my thunder, Im absolutely over the moon & well excited at the prospect!
(Although I believe Westminster Abbey is now unavailable as a venue.)

Incidentally, is it just me, or is there some really ironically comical hidden message in the above picture or what?

Weekend game

2010-11-02T14:24:00.005Z

Here's a fun game for you.
It's called - Guess where Im going on Sunday?

Answer on Thursday upon my return.
PS Its not Stor No Way!

I am Sheraton

2010-11-02T14:13:00.007Z

I was working at the Sheraton Hotel in Edinburgh the other day and in the staff locker room I was amused to see that by the door, they have a full length mirror for you to check yourself out in before you head out to do your shift, and at the top they have written the words

"I am Sheraton"

It's I guess supposed to fill you with a sense of worth, pride and motivation that before you head out that door, you are representing the Sheraton, you are the face of the Sheraton that customers see,.....

you ARE Sheraton!

I must admit to quite liking the idea and now I am toying with getting some stick on letters for the mirror for my hall, just beside my door, so that the last thing I do before leaving my house is check myself out to see that I am looking the part and feel the pride in my message.
But what should be my motivational mirror message?
What would you get on yours?

Know your target audience

2010-11-02T13:49:00.007Z

This poster was situated above the hygenic phenomenom that is the mens urinal at Firhill football stadium.
Now, is it just me or is it some kinda twisted sick joke?
Surely, if you're having trouble with reading, writing or numbers then, as a source of information, this poster is of absolutely no use to you at all and is simply rubbing salt into your already gaping wounds?

As far as Im concerned, the poster might as well look like THIS

Fun Friday game

2010-11-02T12:51:00.007Z

Its caption time for the fun Friday game.
The photo for your efforts was taken during phase 1 of the Death Star refit. Do your worst people!

Prizes for the best ones include a big bag of cat litter that Im throwing out as I have no need for anymore and a cracking old embassy fag coupon that we found when we knocked down the wall in the kitchen.

Lead by example

2010-11-02T12:47:00.011Z

Oscar and I went to the soft play at Braehead the other day when dad was suffering from an almighty hangover. Regardless, I soldiered on.
Now, soft play areas aren't the most enjoyable places to go at the best of times what with their almost exclusively 'screaming kids' clientele so with a hangover, Im sure you can imagine, it's ten times worse!
Anyway, I managed after much persuasion, to get the somewhat timid boy of mind up to the top level of the construction where there is a big plastic dome, similar to a grit bin that I thought he might like to go in.

Unfortunately for us, there were 3 snooty wee girls in there already, all about 3 - 4 years old who informed me that I was not allowed inside the dome! When I told them that I wasn't going in, but Oscar was, they blocked the door and hissed that HE was not permitted inside either!
When I asked why this was the case, they informed me that this dome was now, infact, their den and squealed that we had to go away.

Being the only responsible adult present at the time and sensing a real case of vicious victimisation towards my son, I felt I had to teach these girls a lesson in playing nice, manners and bullying and so I followed the only course of action that I saw fit.

I forcefully manouvered my rear end into the opening of the dome and, with the 2 of them now trapped inside there, I let out what I can only describe as a ear splitting, dome amplified, torrent of obnoxious hungover bum air from my vent.

Soon we had the whole PLACE to ourselves!

Anyway, I can't decide,
Does this make me a bad person or a good parent?

Cool or gay?

2010-11-02T12:35:00.003Z

Beards?
Cool or gay?
Simple as that.

Hullo strangers

2010-11-02T10:33:00.003Z

Basically, the computer was under a tonne of boxes and dust sheets etc however, with phase 1 of the Death Star completed and phase 2 (the en-suite, some grouting and snagging) imminent,
I am pleased to say that I have returned.
Apologies for the gap in transmissions.
Anyone else been dealing with any major issues of late?

Buggar!

2010-10-03T21:41:00.003+01:00

Im away to Stor Noway (again) for 9 days!
Can anyone beat that for something shite they have to do?

Fun Friday

2010-10-01T11:01:00.004+01:00

Todays installment is entitled NEWSWEAK.
Simply take the big news stories that struck a chord with you this week and give us your simplified take on them.

e.g.
Aircraft carriers are far too fucking expensive.
Radio 1 will never get a better chance to sack that talentless fat cunt.
The Ed milliband is a great name for a pop group.
David Beckham DID shag that hooker, probably.
Our weather is a fucking total let down .
No hairdo can save Carlos Tevez.
The once all powerful Tiger Woods looks like a broken wee sad man.
Petrol is the dearest thing on earth.
News networks have no good clips of Tony Curtis.

And....... they're off!

Kentucky Chicken and the sunshine band

2010-09-28T15:08:00.003+01:00

KC - Give It Up
Uploaded by chilavert. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.
I defy anyone of you to play this loud and not be smiling and doing side to side head sways within the first minute.
Truely, the definition of 'feelgood'!

Vegas of the north

2010-09-28T12:17:00.007+01:00

The Carlsbergs took full advantage of a few days break in workload and headed off to the capital of fun, Blackpool.
What a shitehole of a place.
No wonder life expectancy isn't great....
It has never changed in all the years since I went there as a child.
Infact the only work being done there at the moment was the boarding up of shops, bars and restaurants.
Oscar loved it though.
Anyway, I did notice that its a place of weird combinations.
Almost blatant contradictions.
look:

An off license / chemist - Brilliant!

I cant see how these 2 compliment each other either

Fags and poppers - Although I just like the fact that it says Fags!

And the ultimate juxtapostion, I came across in one of the many quality bazaars that Blackpool has to offer which seem to sell absolutely anything:

Braindead

2010-09-24T23:44:00.010+01:00

I had to perform some basic arithmetic today during the stressbomb session that is paperwork day and for the love of god,
it appears that my brain has chucked it.
Yes I can handle all the complexities of my job and all the problem solving that day to day existence throws my way but when it came to adding 275 to 1538, I was totally fucking stumped!
I used to be quite clever at school too.
Not fucking uni clever or anything like that,
but I'd like to think that I was 'arithmetic 101' clever at least.
Well apparently not.
I am now, infact, a total mong!

It took me fucking ages & it just would not compute in my head.
When does the whole imbecile thing kick in?
I thought that just happened to girls?
It would appear that I am slowly becoming dimmer.
It would seem that the future is, in actual fact, NOT bright!
Im blaming society. Its just an extension of that whole 'people not remembering phone numbers cos their phone does all that' scenario.

Incidentally, the answer is 1813,
however I needed the fucking calculator!
Imagine such a world where you need a calculator to add that up?

Welcome to hell. The hell that is being old & shite at simple stuff.
Welcome to parenthood!
That is also to blame.

I think?
I will need to double check.

PUBLIC APOLOGY

2010-09-24T11:31:00.003+01:00

Sorry people.
I am well busy this weather.
I only managed to escape for 5 minutes from my proper busy schedule to say sorry for not being there for you all.
I know you all rely 100% on the gospel according to Darth for direction and in order for you to lead good and wholesome lives.
I promise to touch each and every one of you soon.

In the meantime.....
Its open season on the chat!!!!!

What's happening?

Fun Friday lazy repost game

2010-09-10T09:44:00.004+01:00

I felt this post needed another crack at the whip as I felt it never really got given a chance before and quite frankly it's an on going, ever growing, thorn im my side subject.
So here we go again:

Everyone has a band or singer that they turn off the minute they come on the car radio. A band / singer that so offend your very senses that your body has an unconscious, automatic reaction that makes you change the channel without even thinking about it.
For me that band / singer is:-

The fucking Pet Shop Boys
Elton John
R.E.M.
Amy Winehouse
Blue
Westlife
Travis
Pulp
Snow Patrol
Deacon Blue
Celine Dion and on and on
Fucking, Steps
Basshunter (wtf?)
Scouting for fucking girls
The automatic
Roxette
The Beach Boys
Cher
Tupac..........

Honestly, I could go on all day.
Whats your 'turn it' track?

Stress merchant

2010-09-09T20:10:00.003+01:00

It's time to make the blog work for me.
We are all busy people Im sure and all lead busy lives.
I am exceptionally busy at the moment and am currently juggling 2 or 3 major projects at once.
The resultant levels of stress this is causing are monumental.
Im finding myself increasingly drained and almost ill from it all.
The help I need from you guys is,.....
Does anyone have any good tips for de-stressing that do not involve getting simply hammered as this is not an option.
Help me please......

or I will fucking kill you!

You really couldn't make it up!

2010-09-09T20:05:00.002+01:00

I passed this sign on the road home from Aberdeen yesterday and laughed uncontrollably, like a lunatic, for ages, alone in the car.
It's hardly a ringing endorsment of what is to the left.
Let's never go there.

Time is money

2010-09-05T12:42:00.007+01:00

Hurry hurry hurry hurry!
That's me in a nutshell. Im always in some mad rush.
I shouldn't be. Im really quite an anally punctual guy.
I always leave with plenty of time to spare yet am always fucking rushing around at the last minute. The gods are forever throwing in wee curve balls just to hold me up and fuck me off.
It's getting to quite ridiculous stages now though. I'm gonna end up giving myself a heart attack with my hummingbird approach to life.
I don't know how many times a day I hear myself saying "Who's got this sort of time?" as some really trivial matter or other gets in my way.

This morning I shaved and brushed my teeth in the shower in some futile attempt to save time.
I've even seen me flushing the toilet before Im finished peeing!!!
Why do I do that? That's not right.

Anyway, I need to accept that Im never gonna change and so what I need from you guys is some more great time saving tips.
What other tasks can I combine in order to maximise my pityfully short time on this earth to the full?
Quick!

Friday fun my arse.

2010-09-03T11:06:00.004+01:00

Todays laugh a minute game is entitled:-
"What's the fucking point?"
Seriously!

Somebody give me a reason to be in a good mood.

Off to a flyer

2010-09-02T07:19:00.003+01:00

This leaflet was lying in the close today.
Well, this one and about 100 more.
I wish I could read it.
I kinda feel like Im missing out on something because I can't.
Anyone like to hazard a guess as to what it says?
There's a prize for the winner.

I reckon it says:
Cant drive? Don't worry.
We can print you a driving license for only 5 pounds.

(I also think it's pretty bold to put your phone number in print then chuck it round the streets. I have a feeling the owner of this number may regret that action once I am done with it.)